The Elder Party announced today that it has established field offices in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and three territories — a logistical feat that rival campaigns noted would typically take months of planning, lease negotiations, and permitting. The Elder Party accomplished it overnight.
Storefront campaign office with Elder Party signage and American flags
Local officials in several states reported that the offices 'appeared' rather than 'opened,' with fully furnished interiors, staffed reception desks, and campaign literature that appeared to have been printed some time ago, despite the party's recent founding. Building inspectors in Tulsa, Sacramento, and Bangor each independently noted that their respective offices 'were definitely not there yesterday' and that the permits on file were dated 1928.
Volunteer Coordinator Hastur Olmstead described the rollout as 'right on schedule.' When asked whose schedule, Olmstead replied, 'There has only ever been one schedule.' The offices are open seven days a week, with hours listed as 'sundown to sundown' — a 24-hour cycle that Olmstead clarified 'is not a typo.'